Feelings of grief and loss can be extremely difficult to process and manage. During the festive period these feelings can becoming increasingly more challenging to deal with. Grief refers to the acute pain an individual may experience as a result of loss. During the Christmas period there can often be lots of reminders of those who we have lost, which can sometimes trigger intense sadness or sorrow. It is important to always remember that the grieving process differs for every individual, and whether a loss is recent or has happened many years ago, the emotions that can occur as a result of that loss can be difficult and sometimes overwhelming.
Understanding Grief
Before we consider grief during the festive period, it is important to first consider the process of grief, and the stages that we may go through. It is commonly believed that the grieving process occurs in stages. In 1969, Kubler-Ross proposed five stages of grief. These stages have later been developed and adapted into seven stages. Whilst the stages of grief are often reported in a set order, it is important to note that individuals can experience different stages in various orders to differing intensities.
1. Shock
During this initial stage, feelings of disbelief are often present. If a loss was unexpected, this can often lead to feelings of numbness due to the shock of the event. An individual can experience feelings of numbness as a form of emotional protection.
2. Denial
The next stage of the grieving process sees the mind going into a state of denial to avoid the pain and reality of loss. It has also been reported that during this phase many feel a state of emotional paralysis due to the individual knowing what has happened but struggling to deal with the reality of the situation. Denial is a type of self-preservation; an individual’s experience of this stage helps to shelter them from the eventual pain and later stages of grief.
3. Guilt
As an individual begins to feel the full realization of someone’s death, the numbness of emotions beings to lead the way to extreme emotional pain and suffering. This pain often leads to feelings of guilt. The guilt that an individual experiences may relate to survivors’ guilt, or it also may relate to feelings or remorse over missed opportunities or things they did not do or say.
4. Anger
During this phase an individual may lash out at those around them, as an unwanted reaction to feelings of helplessness. It is important to recognise that the anger expressed is often unrelated to the person it is being directed act, but rather a reflection of the experience of the individual’s anger during the grieving process.
5. Depression
During this phase, emotions can become all-encompassing or overwhelming. It is important during this phase that you give yourself the time to process your emotions rather taking the ‘snap out of it’ mentality. This stage of grief can often be a significant period of reflection.
6. Bargaining
This phase of the grieving process is a negotiation phase which occurs when an individual needs an emotional release from the loss they are experiencing.
7. Acceptance
The final stage of the grieving process occurs as a person adjusts to life without the person they have lost. It is important to note that acceptance does not mean happiness, but rather a recognition of what has happened, and making the conscious decision to move forward. During this phase an individual learns that you can look towards the future, without forgetting the loved one you have lost.
Grief during the Christmas period
The Christmas period can be extremely difficult for those who are grieving, as it may feel unnatural or unwanted to have a time of celebration and festivities whilst experiencing great sadness and loss. Here at bMindful, we have put together our top five tips for dealing with grief during the festive period.
1. Sensitivity
It is important to remember that everyone grieves differently. It is important to be sensitive to everyone’s needs and allow each person to have autonomy over how they wish to deal with their grief during this period.
2. Space and Time
Be kind to yourself and others, allow yourself time and space. Give yourself permission to not be ok and take time out.
3. Flexibility
Make plans but also give yourself permission to change your mind. Sometimes it can be helpful to make plans and give yourself something to look forward to. Spending time with others can be a positive experience for many. However, remember that if the time arrives and you do not wish to complete your plans, that’s okay. Allow yourself the flexibility to change and rearrange plans depending on how you feel.
4. Permission
Give yourself and others permission to look forward and enjoy Christmas. This can be particularly important for children and young people. Whilst grieving it can be extremely difficult to both recognise and accept that you can still find enjoyment in the festive period whilst also experiencing sadness around your loss.
5. Memories
If you have lost someone, it can sometimes be comforting to do things that remind you or that person. Listening to a loved one’s favourite song, watching their favourite Christmas movie, or visiting a special place for them can be a good way to remember and celebrate your loved one during this festive period. I know personally, every Christmas when I open a tub of quality streets, the sight of an orange cream reminds me of my own grandad. It doesn’t have to be a big gesture, even little things such as eating their favourite festive food can provide an opportunity for you to feel closeness with a missing loved one.
The main thing to remember during this festive period is you must show kindness to both others and yourself, who are struggling with grief. Experiencing these emotions can be intense and overwhelming at any time but can be especially difficult at Christmas. If you feel you or a young person you know needs further support in this area and would like to speak with a trained professional. The team at bMindful would be able to offer that support. Please contact 0161 510 0111 for more information.
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